A Land of Life

Joel and I have been to hospitals. We've seen and talked with nurses. Most are great, friendly, and oh so patient. 

But one nurse stands out.

Amy.

Of all the nurses at the Children's Hospital where Emily stayed, Amy was the Only One who cared enough to ask:

"Have you held her yet?"

I did not hold Emily until about Day 5. And oh how sweet it was when Amy asked that question and I finally got to hold my little girl!

And a couple of days later I was able to hold her again, this time close to my heart.

Because Amy cared. 

We were not just another family passing through with a sick baby. 

Amy was not intimidated by unhooking some wires and rearranging some tubes so a mother could bond with her child.

I thank you, Amy.

If it weren't for you, I might never have held Emily.

(Amy with Emily; Nina holding Emily's foot)

It is easy to see those who cared. It is easy to be grateful for them.

But on the flip side there is a struggle of bitterness. 

What about those who did not care?

What about those who opened their mouth far too soon and I force myself to nod and smile and think "I can't believe you just said that!"?

This has been another struggle for me:

Forgiveness.

Forgiving the nurses who did not care as much as Amy did.

Forgiving the handful of people who "said the wrong thing".

Forgiving the doctors, the surgeon, the specialists.

Forgiving the people who decided that my breastmilk was not good enough to be donated.

Forgiving those close to me who make mistakes just like I do.

Forgiving the people who forget.

Forgiving myself...

And then around I go. 

Back to gratefulness.

I am grateful to God, who enables me to forgive.

And Love.

And let go.

I am grateful for the nurses, and doctors for they did the best that they could.

I am grateful for those close to me, because they care.

I am grateful that it's ok to remind people.

I am grateful that others forgive me when I say the wrong thing.

I am grateful that I do not have to live a life of regret, blaming myself for any detail I may think of.

Sometimes I am tempted to go back, 

back where bitterness beckons.

I glance back every now and then, 

feeling the hot wind on my face,

seeing the dry and lonely land of unforgiveness.

But then I turn again, and see the beautiful land of gratefulness,

Where there are many flowers and trees,

Love and water and Life!

And I decide, 

yes, This is where I want to stay.

Thank you Jesus for Emily Grace, my daughter,

Your child.