A Surprise for Rachel

A woman from our church brought over a stuffed owl, after hearing about Rachel's desire for a pet owl. The video shown above records Rachel's first meeting with her now beloved animal, which happens to be a "she".

Joel's thoughts for today.

I really hate Halloween.

I was thinking about some of the decorations in a neighbor's yard today.  It's kinda cutsy stuff; a goofy Frankenstein sitting in a lawn chair, a pair of plastic hands reaching up from the ground on either side of the sidewalk leading to their door.   Nothing too gory.  But still, all about death.   I'm sure this person, being the age he is, has buried his parents.  Doesn't it bother him to have pretend bodies coming out of the ground in his yard?  
How can we take something as evil and grotesque as dead bodies and make it cutsy?  How can we have a holiday celebrating zombies, ghosts, witches, blood and gore, and say it's all for the kids?   Sure there's princess costumes and cute kitty costumes, but if you take out all the scary stuff its not Halloween anymore.
I was really bothered today by the way Halloween makes light of death.  I couldn't help thinking of the last moments of Emily's life as she lay on the hospital bed covered in blood because they'd been doing chest compressions on her 5 lb body a day after heart surgery.  I remembered how it felt to hold her head as the fluid began to pool behind her skull.  I remembered wrapping her body in a white fuzzy blanket a few days later in the funeral home, her bruises barely disguised by make-up.
And now, when a kid comes to the door dressed as the living dead with fake blood all over his face I'm expected to smile and give him candy?
How can we make light of death?
I think of the thousand upon thousands upon thousands of children who've been mutilated by war. Those today who walk streets of terror and are no stranger to death and gore.  Would they celebrate a holiday of fear?   We are so ignorant in our safe little suburbs of the realities of the world.

I hate Halloween.

I know there are followers of Jesus who can be a part of Halloween, find a way to redeem some of it, use it as a chance to be out in the community with the Light.   It's not on my agenda to bring condemnation on them.   But as for me and my family we will have nothing to do with Halloween.

I was really missing Emily today so I went up to the grave site after work.  I intended to stay in that sorrow because I don't often dwell in it as deeply as I did today.  It's been months since we'd been there.   But after I'd taken down the kids' birdhouses from the shepherd's crook and picked up a few pieces of the shattered pinwheel, I sat down and the sorrow was gone.  I didn't have the energy to be mad at death, or Halloween, anymore.  I just had peace and a underlying joy that my little girl is alive.  I could almost hear her say "Daddy!"  I can't quite picture what she looks like, but I'm sure the moment I see her in heaven I'll know she's mine.  That's happened a few times for Renee and I, where we go up to Maple Hill to grieve and are surprised by Peace and Joy.  His other name is Jesus.   I didn't stay there long, because hey, Emily's not really there anyway and Jesus travels well.  I went down to another cemetery to look for the burial site of a family I wanted to pray for, then got home in time to hear our pastor on the radio in a forum on the marriage amendment.

Oh that this world would know and embrace it's Creator and find him to be Peace and Joy.   Then they'd leave off their twisting of truth and cartoonizing of evil.   

Overcast with a Chance of Showers

I was making our Christmas photo card last week. After Emily's birthday last summer, there was no way I could leave her out. I needed two pictures- not one- on that card. She is our daughter, she is part of our family, so she goes on the card-with the rest of us.

We only have one photo of Emily with her eyes open. It is now my favorite picture of her. It used to be of the ones where she was sleeping and she looked so angelic, peacefully sleeping under drugs of sedation. Those photographs I treasure but I have a new favorite. When I hold this photo it's almost like I'm holding her again. The way her face is angled and she's looking up into my face:

Rachel made a little card, just a simple piece of paper, that said "EMILY". She set it up against her framed copy of Emily's photo. The one you see above. Rachel explained to me why she did that. She did not want people to forget about Emily. She wanted people to remember Emily and never forget. I am so proud of Rachel right now. Such a sweet big sister. She has more guts than I do. I met a new family last Sunday at church. And, even though I keep vowing to myself I won't do this, I did it again. I said "Four children." It's a lie. I don't have four children. We (they and me) only SEE four children so we all assume four. But where's Emily? There's a fifth child in this family of ours?
It's not that I don't forget. Hardly.
Maybe it's the awkwardness. Maybe it's having to explain. Maybe it's the looks of sympathy (which there is nothing wrong with) that I dread.
I'm still trying to figure myself out.
Maybe I'm ashamed of Emily. Maybe that's it. I'm ashamed of having a child who wasn't healthy, who wasn't formed perfectly in my womb. Maybe it's all those Milky Ways I ate while I was pregnant with her.
But I know that's not the reason. Because I have two other children who aren't healthy. And I'm not ashamed of them.

Sometimes I get tired of this road. This road of healing, the dull ache, like an invisible bruise, trying to figure out the aspects of letting God take our child. Trying to figure out how to tell people, strangers who don't and friends who know. How to tell them what's in my heart, on my mind. Most days I have peace, thanks to all the healing that took place last summer. But there's still an ache, stronger some days. Like a healed injury during bad weather.
I guess it's raining right now, in my heart, because the ache is stronger, and I miss her.

Just For Fun

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(a satellite formed out of clay)

(matching nightgowns!)

One of Hudson's Talents

Friends and Apples

We were so blessed to have an opportunity to go camping with some good far-away friends. Two nights, three days and gorgeous fall weather. 

Friends always

These two guys, Joshua (on right) and O have pretty much grown up together until just a few years ago when O's family moved. They are still great buds and look forward to each time they see each other.

Hudson insisted on having a head lamp on just like "everyone else". (Little Fred in front)

Little Fred pooped out on the gear

This was Little Fred's first camping trip and he did really well. He stayed close to us and only nipped the kids a handful of times. :)

Apple picking!

K (O's little sister)

Sibling fun

Madelynn and Daddy

All of us

Thanks M and K! We had a great time with you!

A little portage from daily life

(A lake. Ok, so I forgot the name of it...)

(Some people want to see moose. I wanted to see a loon. And we did! You can see it here in the center of the picture.)

(Trying to look natural while Joel takes a picture.)

(My wonderful husband)

It was a wonderful day with another couple from church. They brought their two canoes and we paddled, and portaged, paddled and hiked. Beautiful views and great fellowship.

And of course a big thank you to my dad, who watched the kids!