Silent is Safe

I am a silent griever. For over four years I hid my grief from those on the outside. I pretended everything was ok. "How are you?" "I am good/fine/well." Inwardly, I was far from fine. I was a mess of emotions, confused and depressed.

Now, I am learning to come out, to be honest, to be open. I am learning to speak out Emily's story, to acknowledge her existence.

"I have FIVE children" has been one of the hardest things for me to say. To say I have four is an outright lie, yet I can silently grieve and no one knows my story. But when I say FIVE, people give me looks of confusion, sadness and pity. Sometimes they ask questions, sometimes they don't.

I cannot understand the outspokenness of so many bereaved moms on their correct number of children. I only look upon their openness with jealousy as I continue to hit a wall when opportunities of honesty arrive. Why is it so hard to be honest about how many kids I have? People see four, so they expect to hear "4". Does my fear of man run that deep in my heart that I cower before any questioning stranger? Where is the boldness I need?

Far too long I have mistrusted strangers and even friends with anything close to my heart.

Emily is close to my heart.
        Her entire story is close to my heart.
               To share Emily, even her number in the family line, is to expose my heart.

It is a trust issue.
Far too many times my heart has been trampled on and I have closed it off, but to a select few.

It looks like that might need to change.
I need to be willing to trust a stranger to see a glimpse of my beautiful Emily. And trust that her beauty and God's love will in turn open up that stranger's heart also.

Funny Say-ings Vol. 3

And so the kid humor continues. (For previous volumes click Here and Here.) This time we pick up at mid-summer 2012 through June 2013:

In order to distract Madelynn (3) with the painful everyday process of combing her hair I (Mommy) ask her a few questions: "Madelynn, what's your favorite color?"

Madelynn: "Pink."

Mommy: "What's your second favorite color?"

Madelynn: "Green."

Mommy: "What's your third favorite color?"

Madelynn turns around and gives me a loving pat: "Mommy!"

***

Before naptime/downtime each afternoon Mommy reads a story or two to the kids and prays with them. After doing this one particular afternoon Madelynn asks: "Mommy, did Joshua pray?"

Mommy: "Yes, he prayed in his heart, just like you."

Madelynn: "I didn't pray in my heart, I prayed in my tummy!"

***

Madelynn (demonstrating with her legs, facial expressions and tone of voice): "When my leg is up, I am happy! When my leg is down, I am mad."

***

Rachel: "I will pray that Jesus will not be selfish."

***

Rachel writes a note to Daddy:

DEAR DADDY,!

I LOVE YOU.

LOVE, RACHEL! 

  Rachel: "I put a loud mark after your name!"

***

Nina and Rachel go for a walk. Thunderclouds gather in the sky, especially over the lake. Nina points out the rain falling from the sky over the lake.
Rachel: "Oh! A waterfall!"
They also notice some boats in the harbor.
Several minutes later, Rachel asks if she can pray. Nina says yes. Rachel sits down on the sidewalk, folds her hands, shuts her eyes tightly and emphatically prays:
"Dear Jesus, thank you for the waterfall. But please keep those boats safe from the storm. Amen."

***

Scene: Watching a thunderstorm over the lake from our deck.
A lightning bolt crosses the sky.
Joshua: "Wow that looked like a fork!"
Rachel: "Yea! A fork going through a pancake!"

***

Joshua showing Madelynn how to suck her grape juice through an onion straw.

 ***

Rachel holds her fork up to her eye: "Mommy, you're in jail!"
Mommy holds her fork up to her eye: "So are you!"
Joshua holds his spoon to his eye: "I'm in a pot."

***

Joshua flying.

Flying...again.

Rachel learning to fly.

* * *

Madelynn: "Mommy, I'm hungry."

Mommy: "Do you want some green pepper?"

Madelynn: "Yes."

Mommy: "Do you like them?"

Madelynn: "No."

* * *

Scene: Car ride home from a camping trip with the family- supposedly "quiet-time" at the moment. Hudson is babbling. Daddy is trying to sleep (Mommy was driving).
Daddy: "Hudson! Shh. Be quiet, ok?"
More babbling.
Daddy: "Sshh..Hudson..shhh.."
This goes on for awhile.
Finally we pop a short movie in. When it's over, Hudson continues to babble.
Hudson: "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!"
Mommy: "Joel, Hudson is talking to you."
Daddy turns and says: "Hi Hudson."
Hudson, putting his finger to his lips: "Sshhhh!"

***

Rachel: "This is a very strange family. We have pictures all over the wall. Mommy teaches us Thai and about the orchestra and history and we eat lots of vegetables."

***

Mommy was giving 'raspberries' upon her children's tummies much to their delight and her amusement. The next day Hudson lifts his shirt up and says, "Strawberry jam."
The day after that, Hudson lifts his shirt, points to his belly and says: "Apple butter."

***

To be continued...

Please pray for those in Southern Alberta who have evacuated their homes due to massive flooding.

Meet...

our pet hedgehog! 

She is very pleased to meet you.

Penelope

Rachel's Tomato plant:

Tom-alina and Rachel

And our new pet bunnies! (for real)

Four week old Mini Rexes (both female!):

Madelynn holding Buttercup

Buttercup and the girls

Hudson learning to pet Bluebell

Joshua holding Bluebell

Lots of pets around here! Very exciting! 

I won't bother introducing you to all the kale, pepper and other tomato plants that the kids have named...!!

Feeling Old?

After all, what is the chief sign of growing old? Is it not the feeling that we know all there is to be known? It is not years which make people old; it is ruts, and a limitation of interests. When we no longer care about anything except our own interests, we are then old, it matters not whether our years be twenty or eighty.

-Handbook of Nature Study by Anna Botsford Comstock, pg.4