I am a silent griever. For over four years I hid my grief from those on the outside. I pretended everything was ok. "How are you?" "I am good/fine/well." Inwardly, I was far from fine. I was a mess of emotions, confused and depressed.
Now, I am learning to come out, to be honest, to be open. I am learning to speak out Emily's story, to acknowledge her existence.
"I have FIVE children" has been one of the hardest things for me to say. To say I have four is an outright lie, yet I can silently grieve and no one knows my story. But when I say FIVE, people give me looks of confusion, sadness and pity. Sometimes they ask questions, sometimes they don't.
I cannot understand the outspokenness of so many bereaved moms on their correct number of children. I only look upon their openness with jealousy as I continue to hit a wall when opportunities of honesty arrive. Why is it so hard to be honest about how many kids I have? People see four, so they expect to hear "4". Does my fear of man run that deep in my heart that I cower before any questioning stranger? Where is the boldness I need?
Far too long I have mistrusted strangers and even friends with anything close to my heart.
Emily is close to my heart.
Her entire story is close to my heart.
To share Emily, even her number in the family line, is to expose my heart.
It is a trust issue.
Far too many times my heart has been trampled on and I have closed it off, but to a select few.
It looks like that might need to change.
I need to be willing to trust a stranger to see a glimpse of my beautiful Emily. And trust that her beauty and God's love will in turn open up that stranger's heart also.
I struggle with this too. Combined with the fact that Little J lives with us but is not yet adopted and I just can't truly count her till then (call me cold-hearted whatever). But if I say 5 then people think I'm including Little J when it's Eva I mean. If I say 6 then it's a lie because Little J is not yet my daughter. I think that is the question that almost every bereaved parent dreads.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your precious Emily :)
ReplyDeleteFor me it has become easier to say that I have seven children and if they ask what their ages are, etc. I will share that Caleb is in Heaven, but he would have been 5 if he hadn't died when he was 17 months old. The more times that I have shared it, the easier it has become. I am not sure what most people really think about it or how it makes them feel. I know that before I lost Caleb I would take time to talk with women who lost a child, especially if they were Christian, like me, just to see how God had carried them through the most tragic of circumstances. We can learn a lot from each other.
You have already blessed some, but will bless others, I'm sure, by sharing your Emily...when you are ready.
((((hugs))))
Thank you Cheryl for your kind words. ~R
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