A long totally uninteresting post about the past year in YWAM

   As I look over the last year of our being in YWAM, I am amazed that we are still here. Does that surprise you? The last year was an incredible adjustment for me, for Joel, for the kids. The previous nine years was spent in a small town in a big county. Next to a beautiful, humongous puddle.

Joel with 9 mo old Rachel Summer 2007

This community was really the first for Joel and I in our marriage adventure. Sure we moved about every 1, 2 or 3 years to a different house, but it was always in the same community, same sweet town, same church family, same friends. Same wonderful grocery stores, bank and Post office.

So when God swung open the wide door of MISSIONARY and YWAM and FIVE HOURS AWAY FROM EVERYTHING FAMILIAR the adjustment was not a shock, but more like an ache. A dull, panging ache. Don't get me wrong, I love it here...now. The people are great- I love the staff. I love the students. We live out in the country. The kids are making friends. But as I look back on the last year, it's been hard. Lonely, in fact. Wondering "why" God put us here. What is our role here?

It's amazing what answers come in just a year. I don't ask God "why am I here?" quite so often as I used to. I see this time here at YWAM as a time of training. Of preparation for Something Else down the road. God is training us to be leaders. But as every leader should know- it's about servant hood. Joel is serving in the maintenance department. I am serving our children. Both of us help out where needed at the YWAM base, whether it's in the kitchen, in the accounting office or just cleaning.

God is teaching me to be content as a mother. At home. Cleaning. Cooking. Homeschooling. Raising children. This has been a hard lesson for me over the last year. I want to be over at the base Doing something. Anything. Because then, I'm doing something Important. Yes, this has been a hard lesson to learn.

Over the last year, I have experienced some emotional healing through a ministry called Theophostic Prayer Ministry (TPM). I have experienced freedom from different lies I believed about myself and God has brought His Truth into my life to set me free from those lies- permanently. This has been wonderful for me and I know it's another reason why I am here.

There are many other reasons why God has put us here, but those are the two I'm going to share with you tonight.

On a lighter note: I was praying and struggling about learning Spanish. Since ninth grade I have tried to learn this language off and on. But to no avail. I would try and try to learn it and then I would keep hitting a wall, and then I would quit trying. Then six months later I would pick it up again, only to fail again. So finally I asked God, "why? Why is it so hard for me to learn this language?" And do you know what He said to me? You'll never guess. When He told me His answer I didn't believe it. Until He told me again two days later: "I want you to learn German." ??? Why in the world would I want to learn German? Nothing against German, except that it sounds harsh, like Russian. I guess in one way I was relieved He didn't ask me to learn French. Whew.
So there you have it. For 2.5 weeks, I have been learning German, thanks to Duolingo. And you know? It's coming along a lot easier than Spanish ever did. Amazing.

I have a little praise report: Rachel had a severe stomach ache one night. She was doubled over and moaning in bed. I gave her peppermint. But that didn't seem to help like it usually does. I could only think of one thing- Appendix. No, not at the end of this long rambling post. I was thinking of a ruptured appendix. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about rushing off to the ER ten minutes away in the cold and snow and it was 11:30 pm and I would really like to go to sleep..please? I tried to give it over to Jesus. We prayed over Rachel. We tucked her in. Then we went to bed and waited. We prayed. And prayed. Rachel didn't get up. Not once during that night after 11:30. She woke up happy and ready to go to school. She was fine. I could hardly believe it. No surgery. She still had her appendix and I even got some sleep. God is good. Aren't you glad?

Having ECCO students and staff over for dinner and coffee

So a quick update on two things here at YWAM: One is that Joel and I are co-leading (yes) a Bible Class for our current school (English Cross Cultural Orientation aka: ECCO). We teach one hour twice a week. Monday and Thursday mornings. Hudson and Madelynn come with us and they do fabulous. I think it's because the students are so fun. Joel and I are writing and inventing the curriculum for this Bible Class and it has been such a blast. We sing songs, we play games, the students share (in English) what God is teaching them. This morning the students demonstrated their hard work and put on two performances: Original children's songs written, sung and performed (in English) by all the students in Noah's Ark theme. Oh they did such a great job!

ECCO Bible Class

And the second thing is that once a week in the afternoon we take four ECCO students and volunteer at the local thrift store. This has been fun getting to know these specific students a little better. Last week they came over for supper afterwards and we had a great time together.

At the Thrift Store

Joshua and Rachel are both in Scouts this year. This has been a good decision so far as it is helping them to form friendships and do something fun outside of school and YWAM. Joshua made his first Pinewood Derby car and Rachel will soon be selling Girl Scout cookies.

The L.S. Rock-It!

Two things you can be praying for us about:

1. We are still looking for a church. We were going to one since June 2014 but it has gotten very difficult with the timing (it's an evening service) and being a school night and all....The worship is great, the teaching is solid, the people are nice, and it's not a very big church. We've really enjoyed going there. But being on staff at YWAM, early mornings at public school, and trying to eat healthy have become large obstacles. So the hunt continues...

2. Please continue to pray for Joshua and the disease that haunts his body- Type 1 Diabetes. He is currently on a liver cleanse diet and it has been helping him. We continue to seek God and His Righteousness and we know that all things will be added to us as well-whether it's healing or just an improvement in blood sugar numbers.

3. (Ok there's actually three, not two) We are praying about taking a family missions trip this summer. Right now we are seeking God on a specific ministry that we have been made aware of in a large Asian country. We would like to travel there this summer and stay for a month and see how it goes. How we could fit in, how the kids do, how I do (with elephants, heat, snakes and oh yeah, spiders-really really big ones).


Going back to life at YWAM....
The kids are doing really well. This is home now. Though they talk about Grand Marais and want to go and visit. And oh yes, Madelynn wants to move back there, not just visit.

Rachel turns EIGHT on Saturday (can you believe it??), so our house will be pink for a few days.

Sledding Birthday Party!
Here's the train...watch out!
Love Rachel's face in this one.
(She's the one with a light green jacket, her mouth wide open-yelling of course.)

Joshua is doing a unit on Engineering in Science class so he's been constructing roller coasters and really enjoying himself.

Hudson is four now and is just as cute as ever. He's the baby of the family, so he probably gets cuddled way too much by Rachel and I. But he's becoming a handsome little man and knows how to count to 13 (skipping the 12) and recognizes the letters of the alphabet.

Hudson's Fourth!

Homeschooling Madelynn is easy peasy and I'm really enjoying this break from the usual chaos at home.

And that's about it! That wasn't too bad was it? At least there weren't any footnotes or a dozen appendices like the Lord of the Rings books. Hope you enjoy the rest of your day in the Presence of the One who is worth Everything.

At Minnehaha Falls visiting a friend in Minneapolis

Pressed but not Crushed

(Italics taken from a devotional entitled "Streams in the Desert" p. 391-393. This particular article resonated with me (Renée) and in this post alternates with my own thoughts).

"They were a people who were living to themselves. Their hopes, promises, and dreams still controlled them, but the Lord began to fulfill their prayers. They had asked for a repentant heart and had surrendered themselves with a willingness to pay any price for it, and He sent them sorrow. They had asked for purity, and He sent them sudden anguish. They had asked for meekness, and He had broken their hearts. They had asked to be dead to the world, and He killed all their living hopes. They had asked to be made like Him, so He placed them in the fire "as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Mal. 3:3), until they could reflect His image. They had asked to help carry His cross, yet when He held it out to them, it cut and tore their hands."

I (Renée) remember asking God for humility. I remember asking God to challenge my faith, to grow me, to not make my life so comfortable. Little did I know how much God was going to take me seriously in all these prayers over the last 10 years...

Our most recent challenge has been a cluster of smaller, related challenges. Each a little similar, each one health related: Joel's back is a constant heartache for me. Nerve pain down his leg and into toes, tight muscles along his spine like steel cords. And yet he copes well, smiling at me throughout the day and being the Daddy his children need. But there are days that are hard. Painfully hard. And he's only 35.

A certain chiropractor was recommended to us by a friend. I had noticed the results in this certain friend who went there and so we decided to try it. This chiropractor has a strong faith in Jesus, runs his business with Christian music blaring, and treats the problem not the symptoms. There is something else that's different with this doctor than other chiropractors. His practice is based on a neurological philosophy. The spinal cord sends messages throughout the body and to all the organs and is vital to the survival and health of the body. His technique then, is to "reset" the signals from the brain to the organs by simple techniques which I do not have time to explain here.

The chiropractor evaluated Joel and to make a long story short: six years ago Joel was diagnosed with a short leg resulting with a 1.5 cm lift on his left shoe. Well, it turns out his other leg is shorter- and not by that much. So because of this misdiagnosis, Joel is now experiencing degeneration in his left hip, his scoliosis is worse and his herniated disc is not healing.

Forgiveness for the doctor who misdiagnosed him...

The chiropractor recommended the whole family get checked out since scoliosis and other such problems can be passed down to the next generation. So we decided Joshua should go in since he has the most health problems at the moment.

Joshua's evaluation: He has an extra disc in his lumbar. He also has a six degree twist to his spine - the start of scoliosis. And because of this skeletal problem it is pinching a nerve in his spinal cord that is directly in tune with his respiratory system, possibly causing his asthma difficulties.

"They had not fully understood what they asked, but He had taken them at their word and granted them all their requests. They had been unsure whether to follow Him such a long distance or whether to come so close to Him. They found it easier to obey than to suffer, to work than to give up, and to carry the cross than to hang upon it. But now they could not turn back, for they had come too close to the unseen cross of the spiritual life, and its virtues had pierced them too deeply."

So what more can God inflict upon our nine year old son? Not only does he have asthma, super sensitive skin that breaks out in hives when a band aid touches it, had ITP (a blood (un)clotting autoimmune disease), has Type 1 Diabetes but now he has an extra vertebrae and possible scoliosis. He's NINE. There is no diet remedy for scoliosis. No herbal concoction can take care of this. This is skeletal.

The neurological chiropractor says he can treat Joshua. Correct the scoliosis and more than likely, eliminate the asthma.

Of course I have my doubts. I've heard all this "treatment" and doc's "plans" and read the books telling me about "cures". The only cure I've been able to find is the cure for Celiac Disease. Praise God for that.

This chiropractor seems our only hope. His philosophies on medicine line up with mine. His diet choices are whole grain, whole foods - pretty healthy. His methods really seem to work.

But it's an hour drive away. In good traffic.
It's also out-of-pocket.

Three days a week for the first four months of treatment. For both Joel and Joshua. That's at least six hours of driving a week.

So we keep giving it to God. Surrendering these earthly tents to Him.

"Now at last their opportunity had come. Earlier they had only heard of the mystery, but now they felt it. He had fastened His eyes of love on them, as He had on Mary and Peter, so they could only choose to follow Him. And little by little, from time to time, with quick glimmers of light, the mystery of His cross shone upon them. They saw Him "lifted up from the earth", and gazed on the glory that radiated from the wounds of His holy suffering."

Our son, Joshua, is a brave boy. He has looked at chronic disease in the face and shook it's hand. He has warmed nurses' hearts and made them smile. He has looked so sweetly at me countless times while I watched helplessly as tubes, needles and white sheets dominated his life. He has matured so much over the years as hives, asthma, and blood are just a part of our day.

Why him? Why does his body have to be wracked with shots, immune system problems, disease and now scoliosis?

"As they looked upon Him, they approached Him and were changed into His likeness. His name then shone out through them, for He lived within them. Their life from that moment on was one of inexpressible fellowship with Him above."

O Satan, beware of my son. Though you try to kill him with disease and fill his life with pain, it is through this pain he is being made new, he is being made like his Savior Jesus Christ. A suffering servant. "Jehovah saves" my son and his life will not be in vain.

"Yet God strengthened them and protected them, even from themselves. They knew it was good to suffer in this life so they would reign in the one to come; to bear the cross below, to wear a crown above; and to know that not their will but His was done in them and through them." ("Streams in the Desert" Devotional pgs. 391-393)

The Framework of Hope

A mom, whose ten year old was just diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, posted a wonderful blog post. So much of her emotions I (Renee) could relate to. Funny how some people can put things into words that I simply cannot. Here are a few excerpts from her article:

For the past few months, truth in my life has been less about beauty and more about brokenness. Last July I watched helplessly as my ten-year-old daughter faced for the first time the moment when childish innocence is invaded by something dark and cruel, an intruder whose presence is a constant and unwelcome reminder that bad things happen. Unexpectedly diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, she discovered first hand that this story we live in has evil villains and dark forests with monsters who sneak up on us when we least expect it. For every needle that pricked her skin and broke my heart a little more, another question came. It just felt wrong.

 The sudden intrusion of deep questions that many people don’t have to face until well into their adult lives. Why did God allow this to happen to me even though I have chosen to follow Him? Why does He not heal me when all it would take is a word? Does He care that I am hurting? Is He even there at all?

I am often asked if Ellie will grow out of her need for insulin and the question is usually followed with the whispered ending “Will she have to do this forever?” I don’t know what medical advancements the future holds but I can answer with absolute certainty that it is not forever. If only the true survives, then all that is not true will one day be consumed by the fire that makes things beautiful, and the only thing remaining of the struggle will be the beauty that was formed within it. The reality is that, as people who were created for eternity, we are defined not by the things that will soon be cast away like an old winter coat with the coming of summer, but by the things that will endure because they are made in the image of God.

You can find the article here: http://www.rabbitroom.com/2014/02/the-framework-for-hope/

Sing and Make Music

Praise the Lord!

How good it is to sing praises to our God;

for he is gracious, and a song of praise is fitting.

He heals the brokenhearted, 

and binds up their wounds.

Joshua trying out Daddy's electric guitar

Ever since Emily died, Joshua has complained of stomach aches. Until last fall. 

The summer of 2012 the Lord did miraculous healing in my own grief and thus in the grief journeys of my children. Ever since then, Joshua has not complained of stomach pain.

Josh has been ITP free for over one year now.

Joshua's blood sugar levels are steadily (and very slowly) improving. (We are giving him Prickly Pear Extract- a natural source of insulin).

Madelynn with Davidic harp (lyre)

Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; 

make melody to our God on the lyre.

Rachel with harp

Rachel continues to eat gluten, with no side effects. Does she still have Celiac? We don't know, but we do know that she is happy, content, learning, growing and exploring. She is showing no signs of disease.

Hudson tooting on the recorder

Let Israel be glad in its Maker;

let the children of Zion rejoice in their King.

Praise him with trumpet sound;

praise him with strings and pipe!

Let everything that breathes praise the Lord!

(Psalms 147, 149 & 150)

Immortality

I have a confession to make.

The Bible says to confess your sins to one another so this is an attempt at that. The Bible also says Do not covet. That means, don't want what other people have, be content with what God has given me, be thankful.

So, here's my confession:

I covet other people's healthy, living children.

There. I said it. It's out there. And as I say this, I have two fully healthy children. Though I am incredibly grateful for them I brace myself for the day that Madelynn will come down with some awful, life threatening disease- like her 3 older siblings. I dread the day that Hudson will end up in the emergency room like his brother. 

I see other people's children. Healthy. Happy. Living. They can eat what they want. And it does not affect them. They can go out for ice cream without a second thought. Restaurants and festivals are not intimidating.

Children laughing and yelling, not silent and dead in the ground.

A friend posted this quote awhile back. And it has changed my view of people, of life and of eternity...

you don't have a soul.

 you ARE a soul.

you have a body.

-c.s.lewis

My children are SOULS. Living souls who yearn for heaven just like I do. We are souls made in the Image of the Eternal God Himself. These bodies we walk around in may be full of disease and death. But that does not change the fact that we are souls full of life. 
Joshua is not a diabetic. He is an immortal, treasured soul whose body has the disease called diabetes.
Rachel is not celiac. She is a precious soul made in the likeness of her Maker but her body cannot handle gluten at this time.
Emily is not dead and silent in the ground. Her body is dead and silent. SHE is alive, because she is a soul, an eternal soul like her Creator.

So though this life is not "fair", I am grateful for my God. The God of hope and restoration. Of life and heaven. For Him, I am grateful. And for Him, I will not covet. For Him, I will not compare my children with others. For Him, my heart will be grateful. 

And to Him, I pray that all my children will someday have a heaven day like our Emily.

A New Normal...

My New 'Normal'

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby’s age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.


Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”.


Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child’s memory and her birthday and survive these days.


Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my daughter would have loved, but how she is not here to enjoy it.


Normal is having some people afraid to mention my child.


Normal is making sure that others remember her.


Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.


Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.


Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unbelievable.


Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.


Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.


Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of  their child.


Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.


Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have four children or three, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have three children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.


Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.


And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal”.


-Author Unknown   




A friend posted this on her blog. A lot of what the Unknown Author writes about I can relate to, but not all do I necessarily agree with. I know Emily is in heaven, and I know all things will be restored, made new, tears wiped away when Jesus returns- hence I will get over the loss someday. 




Joel and I are learning and relearning that "normal" is very relative. So much happens that everyone is constantly adjusting. It doesn't take a big event (ie: loss, diagnosis, new child) to throw our old normal out the window. Usually it's just the mundane things- like a child eating 3-4 times more than usual because of a growth spurt, or a wave of sickness hits the house, or getting to bed late too many days in a row, I could go on and on. And all these things happen one after the other. That's the part I can't get over: Our family is in the middle of dealing with one episode of Something and then Another Thing comes along and we need to deal with that and then look out! Here come Something Unexpected and then Not That Again in the same week. It's a whirlwind. And through all of it there are the daily chores we all need to keep up on. Whew!  It's so very easy to get caught up in this whirlwind. And then get irritable about it. It doesn't take much for me these days. Last weekend I pretty much had a permanent look of exasperation on my face. 



Doesn't God say, 'Children do not exasperate your parents or they will become discouraged?'


Um, no. It doesn't. I think what God says is, "Rejoice always, pray continually, in everything give thanks for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."


Seems impossible, Lord.


"With God, nothing is impossible."
"The fruit of the Spirit (italics mine) is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control."


Oh, humility. Where art thou? Thou art shy and fleeting, yet without you, I cannot walk in the Spirit.
May we all find this humility that Christ spoke of.

"Have this mind in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 

who, existing in the form of God, 

counted not the being on an equality with God a thing to be grasped, 

but emptied himself, 

taking the form of a servant, 

being made in the likeness of men; 

and being found in fashion as a man, 

he humbled himself, becoming obedient even unto death, 

yea, the death of the cross. 

Wherefore also God highly exalted him, 

and gave unto him the name which is above every name; 

that in the name of Jesus every knee should bow, 

of things in heaven and things on earth and things under the earth, 

and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, 

to the glory of God the Father." 

He Heals All Our Diseases...

  What do you do with a verse (see title) like that?

Why does our seven year old boy need to live with this consuming, painful, expensive, wasteful disease?

Why should our little boy need a man-made pancreas? 

(The box above contains Joshua's new insulin pump.)

Or why does our little girl need to deal with a disease that separates her from everyone else? 

(Yes that photo above has two toasters. One's Gluten Free, the other is gluten.)

How do you explain to your baby that she will never go outside, why she has tubes down her throat 24/7, needs a machine to breathe for her and is constantly being poked and beeped at? 

And then she leaves before we say goodbye.

And yet through all of this darkness

there is love...

And spring times...

The Lord is my strength.

And the Lord shines through Joel like a beacon, like a lighthouse.

I am so thankful for them both.

All Good

The Big Day is wrapping up:

Blood platelets are in the normal range. Joshua no longer has ITP! (hip hip hooray!)

Joshua was brave and now has the insulin pump. Thus begins another adventure...

Rachel and Madelynn and Hudson had a good time at their respective babysitters. :)

And now, as I type this, a dear friend is being rushed to the hospital via ambulance with a possible stroke.

Lord, have mercy on us.

Big Day

Today we embark on yet another day of doctor's appointments.

Today Joshua is tested one last (we hope!) time concerning his blood platelets. If they number in the normal range - Josh will officially not have ITP anymore.

Today Joshua, Mommy and Daddy get trained in to use an insulin pump. He actually gets hooked up to it today, which he is (a little) nervous about.

Thank you to those who are watching our other children-we so appreciate it!!!!

Good News on Joshua's Diabetes

I forgot to mention that along with seeing the doctor for Joshua's ITP yesterday Joel and Joshua also saw the endocrinologist (diabetes doc). Joshua's A1C (His blood sugar test- an average of the last three months) was at 7.2!!!! This is absolutely fantastic. The docs are happy with anything below 8. Joshua's A1C when he was diagnosed with Diabetes in November was above 11.

So Thank you Jesus!

Rambles

Hi I just thought I'd type and see what happens.

To start off I'll begin by saying Hudson has five teeth now. Two bottom and three top. He's crawling too. Yes, I forgot to tell you. He crawls kinda funny though. How do I explain it? He crawls like, well, like a girl. You know, girls who crawl and wear dresses? Well, he crawls like he's wearing a dress, sticking one leg out and folding the other in. Maybe I should just take a picture sometime. It really is quite entertaining.

He claps. He babbles. He's cute. He eats pizza.

let's see, onto Rachel. Rachel is five, I think you know that already. She is a great big sister. Great as in wonderful. Just tonight, she was teaching Madelynn some simple arithmetic lessons, on the chalkboard of course. 1 plus 1 is 2, 2 plus 2 is four, 3 plus 3 is six. The funny thing about it though, was that Madelynn was actually getting it. Maybe I'll just have Rachel teach Preschool and I'll teach the First Grade.

Recently I found a whole grain gluten free flour mix recipe. Why is this so great? Gluten free flour is usually made up of starches and calorie rich, low vitamin flours. In other words, not so healthy. There are lots of different grains out there that are naturally gluten free, are processed gluten free (see Bobs Red Mill), and are very nutritious. So if you are interested in what I found click here.

Did you know that chlorine is a gas? You probably do; I did not. And did you know that the chlorine in water will evaporate out in about 30 minutes? You probably do; I didn't. I thought about this gold nugget of information. I thought about why we bought Brita filters for our fridge water pitcher. I thought about how expensive these filters are. I thought about how clean our water already is without the Brita filters. I thought about how wasteful it is to throw those filters out every 1-2 months.  I decided to test my theory. I filled up a jug of city tap water and set it on the table. I came back about 45 minutes later. I poured myself a glass. I tasted it. I tasted..water. No chlorine taste. None. Now, we have no Brita filters in our fridge water pitcher.

Joshua's doing well. He's accepted the fact that he has Diabetes. Madelynn said one day, very seriously: "when I have Diabetes, I will become a boy."  His blood sugar levels have been steady, for which we are grateful- we've been told this phase won't last.  Joshua loves music and dancing. He also likes racing; racing his sisters in various things (like getting dressed); racing his toy cars; racing invisible "enemies". He pretends he is fast: he is Lightning McJoshua!

Purple Shooting Star, er, I mean, Madelynn is our other serious, tell-it-like-it-is child. Though goofiness is her other side. She hardly ever sits still (she's getting better...). Earth's gravitational pull seems to be slightly stronger where Madelynn is. Perhaps it is due to the fact that in order to keep up with Lightning McJosh and Pink Shooting Star, she must go so much faster than her little legs can handle. Perhaps one day she will become that purple shooting star and not need legs anymore. But in the meantime we have many kisses and tears, bruises and thumps. At least she's cute.

Joel and I are doing great. Recently we went to a marriage retreat about 20 minutes from home and had a blast together and with the many friends who also attended. My parents were visiting and did a wonderful job watching the kids. I am so grateful that we were able to get away for a few days yet still be close to home. I wasn't sure how it was going to go with Joshua's Diabetes. God gave us all a great peace and I didn't worry, but it was still good to be close.

How am I doing? Each day is different. Some days are hard, some days are a little easier. Some days I am overwhelmed by everything. Some days I feel like I can conquer anything.  Everyday I think of Emily..And wonder what she is doing, how she is doing, how old she is now, what she looks like.

One of the hardest things in meeting new people is one of the first questions that arise: "how many kids do you have?" I would always hesitate before answering. Sometimes I would say five, sometimes I would say four. Then, Joel and I decided we'd just say 'five kids' right away. No hesitation. Well, today I met someone new, and I told her I had four kids. I guess it's harder than I thought. I'm not condemning myself, I'm realizing how much I need Jesus to speak through me and not be afraid of the outcome.

This is a hyacinth bulb in a jar of water. Can you see the white roots coming down from the bulb? I have it sitting in a kitchen window by the sink. It's been exciting the last week or so watching the purple bloom coming up out of the green. And before that seeing the green point come up out of the dry looking bulb. What a beautiful science experiment for winter!

This is also a hope picture. After Emily died, it was extremely hard to picture us having children again. I wasn't sure what to expect or hope for after she died. I look at this picture to remind myself that there is always hope. Even when the future is uncertain, even if the bulb looks dry and dead, even if Hudson is out of focus, there is hope.

And hope is beautiful.

You Raise me Up

Selah - You Raise Me Up Lyrics

When I am down, and oh my soul, so weary.

When troubles come, and my heart burdened be.

Then I am still and wait here in the silence.

Until You come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.

I am strong when I am on your shoulders.

You raise me up to more than I can be.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.

I am strong when I am on your shoulders.

You raise me up to more than I can be.

There is no life no life without its hunger.

Each restless heart beats so imperfectly.

But when you come and I am filled with wonder.

Sometimes I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.

I am strong when I am on your shoulders.

You raise me up to more than I can be.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.

I am strong when I am on your shoulders.

You raise me up to more than I can be.

***

He has risen me up.

It's been a long month, a long season of depending on Him for every bit of energy I need. I have teetered on the ridge of exhaustion, physically and emotionally. It is a fight to keep my thoughts from wandering to "And then what? Who's next to come down with some terrible disease?" 

These bodies are temporary. This life is fleeting. I cannot stake anything upon this world. Only in Christ, only in Him is it worth giving everything for.

Eucharisteo

I (Renee) remember a day this past summer where the kids and I were sitting at the beach, throwing rocks in the water. We happened to be sitting next to a mother and her preschool daughter. This little girl was eating some pretzels and decided to share them with her new friends. As she offered them to Rachel, my heart sank. Rachel shook her head and said bluntly, "I can't have gluten," and sat down facing me and started building something with the rocks. The little friend then offered them to Josh and Madelynn who accepted the pretzels. I had nothing with me to give to Rachel and, as I watched her, I felt helpless. J, M, and Little Friend proceeded to play and as they did, Rachel looks up at me suddenly. I'll never forget what she said to me- "Why did Jesus make me not to have gluten?" I swallowed hard and whispered "I don't know, Rachel." She looked down and kept playing. But I knew that her heart hurt just like mine.

This day, this moment of remembrance was brought to me because recently a similar moment happened with Joshua just a few days ago. We were home from the hospital and I was sitting in the living room. I don't remember where the other three kids were but I remember the living room being quiet. Joshua walks by and stops. I look up and he's looking at me. My heart hurts as I see him standing there, so small, so skinny from having lost weight, so helpless. He asks me a question- "Mommy, why did God give me diabetes?" There's pain in his voice and in his face. So much pain that I look away and shake my head. "I don't know Josh," is all I can whisper. He walks away and my heart cries out to God.

I don't know the answer to the question 'why', or even 'how'. But when my heart turns to God I find peace. He comforts me, and He tells me to thank Him. Thank Him in everything. So that is what I am doing. And that is what I can tell Rachel and Joshua. I may not know the answers but I know what we can do.

Happy Thanksgiving to you dear reader.

11 Things Joshua liked about the hospital:

1. His "Travelling Buddy" (the IV pole). He liked to watch the computer screen.

2. The enormous meals.

3. All the attention from nurses and doctors and nursing students and social workers and volunteers and nurse practitioners and diabetes educators and Mommy and Daddy.

4. Playing with the nurses.

5. Sleeping in the hospital bed with Daddy.

6. He could make the bed move up and down.

7. Peeing in a bottle.

8. The insulin shots (because they tickle {praise the Lord!}) and that the finger pokes don't hurt.

9. Making snowflakes to put in the window and praying for the next kid who would be in the room.

10. Getting new stuffed animals and a drawing pad and stickers to share with his sisters.

11. Watching Thomas and Toy Story 3 from his bed.

Joshua had been excessively hungry and thirsty the last three weeks. He urinated a couple times an hour. Renee did some research last Tuesday evening; everything pointed to Type I Diabetes. She got an appointment at the clinic here for Wednesday morning. Urine and blood tests showed very high blood glucose levels. We were to be booked into St. Mary's Children's Hospital that same afternoon. Joshua and I drove down, leaving Renee and the others at home. Once at the hospital he was hooked up to saline to get re-hydrated. Another blood test confirmed diabetes. Doctors recommended Renee come down the next day to begin our education on keeping Joshua healthy. Graciously some friends took the girls and our pastor and wife drove Renee and Hudson down to the hospital. Thursday was filled with learning and trying to retain and praying that we would not get overwhelmed. Thank-you for others who prayed that as well. We could have returned home Thursday night, but didn't feel comfortable with the dosing and carb counting. But by Friday morning we had gone through a couple of different glucose level scenarios, had showers at the Sheraton, and had a better grasp on this new life. Understanding of how Joshua's body is working will grow in time. Truthfully, even before these last few days we've often felt just on the brink of what we can handle. But what better place to live than where we are constantly reminded to call on Jesus, because He brought us here and He means to do great things in us and through us here.

Joel.